I have been overthinking a lot lately. I have been overthinking poetry submissions (not good enough, not good enough, not good enough). I have been overthinking future career options (not good enough, not good enough, not good enough). I have been overthinking future academic options (not smart enough, too old to go back). I have been overthinking current and future writing projects including a collection of short stories and a novel (not good enough, no one would be interested, my words are not worth reading). I have been overthinking romance and current interests (there is not enough room to fill this parenthetical aside). In short, I have been doing a lot of overthinking.
This is nothing new and, more times than not, all of my overthinking leads to nothing. Nothing ever gets accomplished, or if it does it was never as bad as I led myself to believe. I did this a lot during graduate school. I graduated a semester early with a 3.96 GPA. See, self, it wasn’t so bad after all.
I am my own worst critic and sometimes that’s not such a bad thing, but most of the time it is. Sometimes I criticize myself to the point of great accomplishments, but sometimes I criticize myself to the state of an emotional comatose. All of my overthinking led me down the very long and rocky path of anxiety, depression, stress-related migraines, and a brain fog that severely hampered my day-to-day activities. Those extremes have been quelled somewhat, but it still lingers there in the shadows of my conscious like a bad memory refusing to remain in the forgotten past.
I am still overthinking from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep. I have been able to slow down the onslaught of mental violence in the evenings allowing myself a peaceful sleep, which is a welcome respite from the seemingly endless bouts with insomnia suffered over the last few years. What I find so interesting about this little blog challenge is how I have yet to overthink any post that I have written thus far. It has been seamless and I haven’t thought twice about posting. The posting on this blog has been easy, but the posting on my creative writing blog should be more difficult. I should be overthinking every poem’s reception, but the thought never crosses my mind. I don’t know if I am becoming more comfortable with my voice or less concerned with the criticisms of others. I guess when you’re self-vilifying like me the criticisms of others never seem quite as bad. I guess.
Now if I could only convince my inner-critic to start submitting some of this work and get over my other fear of rejection, I would be in business.